Preventing A Marriage Breakdown
Published: June 26, 2008
The pained voice on my cell phone told the story. He desperately wanted his marriage to work, but now, only one option seemed feasible: Move out. Caught in deadlocked communication, hurtful finger pointing and a rapid marriage meltdown, this last ditch tactic was the only solution. He had to escape. This relationship was hanging by a thread.
One year ago this couple made promises on an altar. In front of their friends, family and God, they promised never to give up. They were in love, I knew it, I could see it in their eyes - the romantic attraction, the commitment. They knew up front that marriage is hard. They knew that a joyful wedding celebration and a fiery honeymoon weren't necessarily predictors of marital success. They expected challenges.
That cell call indicated they probably were facing the greatest challenge of their new life together so far - marriage meltdown!
How did this happen? What caused the downward spiral?
Even the best-prepared pre-married couples are ill equipped for shaky finances, dual careers, old baggage and unmet expectations. Even under "normal" conditions, the best relationships are in for big challenges. And just add a few stepchildren and ex-spouses and things get really interesting!
None of us expect perfection; things go wrong, stuff happens. Marriage is an education. There are adjustments to be navigated, lessons to be learned and sacrifices to be made. That's marriage. That's normal.
But what do you do when the medical report is not good? When the portfolio collapses? When the spouse walks out? What happens when you miss the red flags and everything disintegrates? What do you do next?
When things go terribly wrong, panic sets in. You lose objectivity, communication ceases; the situation deteriorates - fast. When life caves in, you find yourself on autopilot, struggling to stay focused, incapable of making critical marriage-saving decisions.
Knowing that every marriage is destined for intermittent crisis events, doesn't it make sense to have a plan? Doesn't it seem sensible to develop a tactical checklist you can rely on when things go bad?
Let's do some risk management.
If you had to prepare a mitigation plan for that inevitable break down, what would be your top four, bottom line, action items? Imagine yourself deep in a marriage-threatening situation. Where would you go? What would you do? Who would you talk to? What steps would you take to save your marriage?
Here's my Top Four List.
Don't do it Alone
From a spiritual growth standpoint, the best decision Sheri and I ever made was to join a small group. We had an immediate affinity with our church group, meeting regularly for learning, community and worship - we "did life together".
As new Christians, our spiritual lives soared, but there was an important side benefit: We developed close relationships. When our marriage got rough, we had friends to call. Through unemployment, surgery, and financial crisis, even death - our group was there for us.
Since then, we've cycled through three groups and now have a solid Board of Directors. These are dedicated friends who provide accountability, support, prayer and one-on-one assistance when life gets tough.
Who will you call? Don't do it alone. Begin now. Nurture some meaningful relationships.
Seek Assistance
Fortunately, Sheri and I have been good about recognizing when to seek third party assistance. We've been in tight spots, deadlocked in marriage-threatening issues that we just couldn't resolve on our own.
A professional Christian counselor can provide objectivity and facilitate communication, steering a disaster-bound marriage toward recovery.
Counseling has worked for us because we're not embarrassed to ask for help. Sheri and I don't think of counseling as a weakness, in fact, we've come through the experience stronger and more resilient.
Know when to ask for help.
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Preventing A Marriage Breakdown
Published: June 26, 2008
Growthtrac founder Jim Mueler shares four key tips on preventing your marriage from a breakdown
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