Preventing A Marriage Breakdown - Continued
Published: June 26, 2008
Seek Assistance
Fortunately, Sheri and I have been good about recognizing when to seek third party assistance. We've been in tight spots, deadlocked in marriage-threatening issues that we just couldn't resolve on our own.
A professional Christian counselor can provide objectivity and facilitate communication, steering a disaster-bound marriage toward recovery.
Counseling has worked for us because we're not embarrassed to ask for help. Sheri and I don't think of counseling as a weakness, in fact, we've come through the experience stronger and more resilient.
Know when to ask for help.
Soften Your Heart
Relationships are most vulnerable when disagreements escalate to the point of dead lock. If you let them, circumstances will quickly spiral to standoff stage - past disagreement, beyond raised voices to a point where communication stops and the only option seen through the helplessness and hurt is to walk out.
* Before you give up, pause and look at yourself.
* Do you need to ask forgiveness?
* What are you angry about?
* Do you need to forgive?
* Is a headstrong attitude stonewalling your marriage?
* How might you compromise?
* Find middle ground.
* Why did you get married in the first place? Remember?
Someone needs to give in. Someone needs to soften his or her heart and take a first step toward healing. Relinquish your need to "be right". Stop the finger pointing, quit the blaming. Humble yourself and submit to the possibility that you contributed to the breakdown. Turn your focus from anger, to negotiation and next steps.
What's more important, your pride or your marriage?
Engage Spiritually
The catalyst for a loving, thriving marriage comes from God. It's easy to disconnect from God - missing church services, skipping prayer and avoiding close friends - when you're deep in relational disorder. Yet, this is the time you most need to be spiritually connected. It might be time for you to turn toward God...
Without God, our tendency is to drift into self-sufficiency; we try to fix bad situations on our own. When we operate independently of God, we're simply surviving, finding temporary fixes. To engage in marriage-saving activities like the ones mentioned above, you need God.
Begin with prayer. Prayer is simply talking to God. Find a quiet place alone and tell Him what's on your mind. Prayer isn't about being eloquent or using religious sounding words - remember, this is a conversation. Ask God to show you what you need to change about yourself. And then ask Him to help you do that.
Praying with your spouse can be awkward even in great marriages, but if you can take that risk, it will pay dividends. Suggest prayer to your partner. Begin by simply sitting together, holding hands and closing your eyes; you take the lead. Come prepared with notes if you need to. Keep it simple.
Has your church attendance been sporadic? Suggest to your spouse that you combine a church service with a breakfast or dinner. Make it a date. In small steps begin to re-establish your church presence. Make it a weekly priority to get in the car, drive to church and walk in the door. Your hearts will soften and you'll begin hearing God.
You may feel especially distanced from God during this time. Reach out to Him. He wants to have a personal relationship with you. That may be the critical missing link that is so essential to you and your marriage. Read more about this relationship here.
We talked for an hour that day my friend called my cell number. I thanked God and sighed a breath of relief as he wisely decided to give his marriage another chance.
Before ending the call, we set up a breakfast to discuss next steps and he agreed to unload the boxes from his SUV. That next week Sheri and I met with this couple, our friends, whose marriage was on the line.
That was a grueling conversation - direct and challenging. But they listened and boldly accepted our counsel. Today there is much work to be done, but because they are steadily pursuing these "basics", their marriage is different. There is renewed hope.
It is possible to reclaim your relationship. But you need to prepare in advance and be ready to deploy any or all of these steps before your marriage shuts down. These suggestions will not come naturally - they are not intuitive ?especially during troubled times. The foundation you build now could make the difference between healing and heartbreak.
If your marriage consists of physical or emotional abuse, you may also need to take measures to protect yourself and your children in ways that are beyond the scope of this article. Please consult with your pastor or Christian counselor to find ways to deal with this situation.
Jim Mueller is the founder of Growthtrac and with his wife Sheri, are Marriage Mentors. For more information about Jim Mueller and Growthtrac, log onto http://www.growthtrac.com.
Copyright © 2008 Jim Mueler. All rights reserved.
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Preventing A Marriage Breakdown
Published: June 26, 2008
Growthtrac founder Jim Mueler shares four key tips on preventing your marriage from a breakdown
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