Your Invitation to Confrontation

By Dr. Ronn Elmore

Published: April 16, 2009

It's not normally my style to flat-out tell my counseling clients what they have to do. But, this time I did--before I could stop myself. "You do know you need to confront her about this, right?," I firmly challenged Jerome.

He was a frustrated boyfriend who was mad as heck at his girl Rachelle, but had decided not to tell her why he was. After several minutes of tug-of-war, I hadn't made much headway getting Jerome to change his mind. The night before, Rachelle had harshly accused Jerome of being lazy and inconsiderate.

Truthfully, he is sometimes. But Rachelle had waited until Jerome's buddies were present to bring it up. In fact, Rachelle had a habit of using social gatherings to "playfully" air her complaints about her boyfriend, leaving him no way to respond without running the risk of some nasty public drama.

"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," a ticked-off Jerome suggested. "Are you?" I asked. The question seemed to hang unanswered in the air. "You've got to tell her, I insisted. How else will she know how you feel?" "No," he said, in quiet but firm refusal. "I'm in no mood to fight, or to deal with her tears. Besides, it wouldn't change anything," he reasoned. We spent the rest of the hour talking about the "c-word": confrontation.

It's that place that every couple has to go sometimes, but most would rather take a detour around it.
At times the truth is incredibly difficult to deliver. But that alone should never be your reason to suppress it. Be willing to listen to each other, but never afraid to confront each other, and call for change--without apologizing for having done so.

Neither love nor intimacy is diminished by firm, but respectful and non-condemning confrontation. On the contrary relationships become more intimate by your determined efforts to declare the unadulterated truth. No one's commitment can endure and prosper in a climate where the truth is held captive by fear and insecurity.

What makes confrontation so challenging is our natural disdain for conflict and intense desire for "peace and quite." In committing to the more gentle silence of secret-keeping, we create the illusion of eternal, uninterrupted agreement. By doing so, we miss out on the transformative benefits of honest confrontation.

We run in terror from the possibility of heated emotions, wounded feelings, or shrunken affection between us. It is often fear and apathy--not tolerance or grace--that tempt us to shut up and ignore our mate's wrongdoing. A selfish craving for short-term peace tempts us to put off pointing out to each other what must be corrected in order to upgrade your relationship.

But a peace that only comes from refusing to raise a sensitive issue--is not peace at all. It is only a silent state of denial where it falsely appears there are no offenses to repent of, nothing that needs to be confessed, prayed about and repaired. It's one sure way to stay stuck in a relationship with little honesty and lots of superficiality--forever.

Despite what your fears tell you, respectful confrontation is not a statement about how little love you have for each other, but how much.

Let balance be your watchword. Yours is to speak the truth in love. Neither love nor truth should ever be packaged separate from the other. Which one of them is your weaker virtue?

Do you major in truth-telling but know nothing of love? If so, criticism, insistence, and shaming rebukes are your forte. Yours is a naked truth; absent is the tender sensitivity that is the garment of unconditional love.

Confrontation without tender affection is only self-righteousness. Love that lacks the sometimes strident declaration of truth is only self-protection in disguise. So, for love's sake, speak up!

A relationship therapist and ordained minister, Dr. Ronn Elmore, Psy.d, is the bestselling author of How to Love a Black Man. He offers valuable relationship resources for both single and married adults both online and at various conferences throughout the country. For more information on Dr. Elmore, log onto http://www.drronn.com

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